Sunday, 16 June 2013

So you think you’re smarter than a Chinese high school student? WELL DO YOU?

Global times Facebook page:

Over 9 million Chinese high school seniors take the most important test of their lives on June 7. Experience all the pain and glory by taking a crack at our Gaokao Mini-Essay Contest during June 7 to June 16 on Sina Weibo and Facebook. There’s no character limit, so go nuts. Post as much as it takes for you to get your point across in our Facebook page, and cross your fingers. Winners will be announced on June 20, keep checking our Facebook page and Weibo account for updates!

And if you know anything about Gaokao questions, it's that:
1. They are a literal equivalent of life or death for students and for animals (in one city, frogs from a nearby lake had to be put to death so they didn't disrupt Gaokao exams with the noise they made)
2. They have the most fucked up questions you'll ever encounter in the course of your academic life or just, life in general.
3.  It's so competitive that diligent students get hooked up to IV drips in the classroom

Beijing Cream recently posted a hilarious parody piece about the sort of questions the Gaokao churns out to those poor mainland students every year and here is an example:

“If Edison was able to visit the 21st century” is a short stone’s throw away from, “If Jesus were alive today,” or, “If dinosaurs landed in San Diego…”
Old McDonald’s farm was glorious and prosperous, except for foreign agents who hated cell phones. Explain your high school existence, keeping in mind Isaac Newton loves apples.
In conclusion, WHAT WOULD YOU DO if donkeys could mate with the skeletons of pigs?
And check out this explosive diarrhea of a question:

Again, that’s:
Everyday [sic] we strive for what we think is important, but there are more important things in this world. People have different opinions on the matter. Please select a point of view and write an essay about your thoughts.
Can I pick the point of view of a rubber duck?
Every day, afloat upon the patchy waters of Victora Harbor, I wake to a red sun that speaks to the cold flame of my solitude. There is an everlasting sadness that you cannot know, burning fierce in the east where the schoolchildren of our country once tilted their heads to sing. Where is that joy, now?
I look west, and the pebbly eyeballs which glance back are not round with a child’s wonder but flat like a jianbing, grown-up but not mature. The adults that stand at their side flick the butts of cigarettes at me, as if my skin, though made of rubber, does not react to the embers of their scorn.
They speak to me, too. They squawk and squeal and cluck in coarse imitation of language, but I do not understand because I am a duck and do not speak Cantonese. I turn my back, face south, the tears glistening behind plastic eyes, yet they do not stop. Nothing stops them. They come. More of them come. Like a great tsunami, the waves do not wane, they come, oh they come.
I am a duck. What do they want? What spiritual void can a duck fill? What dialectic truth can we discern, them on the shores, me on these choppy waters of Victoria Harbor, staring into a horizon that reflects the recesses of the human condition? Boundless, bottomless, what is the difference? Infinity that wallows, sinkholes of the soul which drag us down, past paper bills that flutter like falling butterflies. Their problems are copper, less real than these eyes under God’s blue sky.
I am a duck, a humble duck. The sun sets in the west and the cool comfort of night’s veil is pulled over my head. In this silence, I listen. There is the sound of water. The faraway exhale of a tugboat. And if I really try, something sweeter, something like laughter, from a child who was here, and thought it important.
Holy shit I would’ve flunked so hard.


Sorry. I had to.

No comments:

Post a Comment