Not even sure how to feel most times, when it suddenly hits me. When I'll be so happy, and then I look out the window, and think about him, and my heart starts to feel heavy. A very prominent, physical, feeling. Or now - a grey cloud that hovers above my head.
There was so much chemistry between us, and while I would never have admitted it out loud, what we had between us was... it was something - it was love to some degree. It could have evolved into a great thing. But it didn't. It devolved. Into distrust, resentment, and insecurity. And I felt that much more so from his end. Perhaps he didn't even realise. Or didn't want to realise. It was a level of toxicity that I have never had before - not with anyone I genuinely consider close to me.
So I walked out.
I feel like... you can never be completely prepared for how you'll feel after you separate.
While he was toxic for me, there's just something that still tugs at my heartstrings.
I had to learn so much from this, and maybe he will never ever realise - but the six months we were together is going to be one of those moments that define how I choose my future partners, and therefore, it's an experience that will/has changed my life.
I already know he has impacted my life in a big way. Even in just the littler things I do - drinking, going out, playing pool, knowing where all the best bars are in the CBD...
There were the really, really, fun times I had with him. The memories that sometimes still replay over and over in my mind so vividly, and torture me emotionally. The joy I felt before it turned to shit.
It's really hard to accept. Is it weird to say that I wish my friends could have seen us when he and I were good? ...
All those moments will be lost in time. Like tears in the rain.
Yes, I just quoted Blade Runner.
And I'm listening to sad music.